In November 2012, my friend, Dawn Eden, author of My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds With The Help Of the Saints advised me that the blogger at Falling By Faith had used a portion of a post I originally wrote on my blog, Heirs In Hope. After nearly two years, I’ve finally commented. As Splendid’s Charge so accurately points out, “language is an annoying necessity”: sometimes I must wait for the right words.
Falling By Faith quotes My Peace I Give You:
“Drusilla, a Catholic orphan who was subjected to brutal abuse by her foster father and siblings, felt as a child that she had been ‘thrown to the wolves.’ ‘I had to pretend to be a wolf so as to keep myself from being torn to pieces,’ she writes…. ‘I no longer live with the wolves. I am a cat again and happy to be one. But I have not forgotten my time in a wolf’s skin. At times I still feel shame, feel I deserve to be abused…. But in Jesus’ wounds I remember that the flames burned but never owned me. I belong to Christ and I never want to belong to anyone else.'”
I’ve waited nearly two years to comment on your post though Dawn shared it with me back in Nov. 2012. When I say I belong to Christ and never want to belong to anyone else, I’m not saying I don’t want anything else. Rather, I’m saying, my identity, who and what I am, is rooted in Him. Drifting with the wind may seem attractive, but it’s not a great reality. Sometimes I do feel like a member of His SWAT team, willing to go where Christ sends me and do as He asks, but I need all the solid, tangible things that everyone else does.
One doesn’t lose the physical aspect of being human by loving God. At least I haven’t. And I need more than the minimum. Right now, I live in Houston. It’s an uncomfortable place. There is no texture in the landscape. It’s a hodgepodge of mostly mediocre buildings, few human-scaled neighbourhoods, and vast distances that contain very little to delight the senses. I long for NYC, for Paris, for London, for San Francisco. I long for mountains, for hills, for lakes, and for blocks that are short enough so that I feel I’m making progress rather than walking a treadmill surrounded by nothing worth seeing. (Pedestrians are also in short supply.) I hunger for beauty. Houston feels barren. Someday, I hope to leave though I have no idea where I’ll go.
And still, I am His. If Houston is where He wants me to be, and that seems to be the case for now, Houston is where I’ll live. I make my surroundings as beautiful as possible. And I am most attracted to people who are also reaching for heaven and with joy, beauty, thought, and some style.
There have been times when I’ve wanted to want only Jesus. Always, I found myself wanting other things as well. Finally, I realized, that’s the way it is for the dust God made in His image and likeness. In Matt 6:31, Jesus tells us to seek first the Kingdom of God and all the other things we worry about will be added. Wanting the things God has made us to have isn’t the problem. Loving them more than (or instead of) Him is.
He loves for each of us; fills up our deficiencies. And one day, you may wake up and discover Jesus’s love has mysteriously become yours and you belong to Him, totally. It doesn’t mean you will never belong with anyone else. It just means you know you will be no one without Him.