Rhapsodizing! Again! That’s what Kyra was doing and we both know it: “Your faith is so strong…” It’s like Hyacinth Bucket rhapsodizing because a celebrity is coming for tea or a candlelit supper. Except, it’s not funny in real life.
All I did was point out that Job begins with platitudes, becomes angry, ultimately demands You respond, and when You do, though You answer none of his questions, Job becomes so giddy with joy he makes his daughters equal heirs with his sons. How does that relate to the strength of my faith? That’s the course. Isn’t a close reading of the book part of the process? From some of the whacky things people say in class, it’s as if they’re reading a different book. And Kyra usually remains silent but she has a good mind. Why pay for a semester of study and not participate? And how is intellectual honesty evidence of my faith?
Sometimes I want to scream, “Stop it! I’m not strong!”
I’m not. I’ve been hanging out with You since I was a child. I have no memory of a time when You were not a physical presence in my life. But you carry me. You’ve always carried me. If You stopped for even a few seconds, I’d curl up in a corner and become huge eyes watching the world pass in terror, hoping no one noticed me. You carry me because I’m not strong.
Those who don’t have all the warm, tingly feelings You give me, those who just follow You anyway, they deserve admiration. Those are the people who are strong. Thy don’t feel that You are with them, help them. They just soldier on.
I think You’ve always been so palpably present to me because You know how weak and desperate I am, how easily I descend into weakness and desperation. My biggest fear is that someday You’ll agree with those who chide me for having such a childlike faith. You might decide to stop carrying me and then I’d be lost.
St. Bernadette told those who were rhapsodizing about her that You had only chosen her because she was more ignorant than anyone else. You let me know You’re with me because I am weak. There’s no reason for anyone to engage in rhapsodizing about anyone except You. That would be intellectually honest.