Five Minute Friday: When

When grand things happen, when someone offers me great kindness, when someone sacrifices for me, when someone unexpectedly thinks of me, it is like warm water on frozen fingers. I feel an almost physical pain. I want to hide. Often, I do. If hiding isn’t possible, my interior autopilot engages: my actions are appropriate but far from authentic.

0 really withdrawnI am a delayed reaction person. I need time to process, time to let kindness and love and concern seep into my soul. And then I need time to respond. Often I wonder if friends think I’m rude or weird. You may hear “Thank you” today and thank you again next week because your kindness has dredged up the gratitude I long to express. I may not write a thank you note today. But it will come when your love gets down inside me and the words come to my fingers.

For me, when is like wait, an unexpected Yes. It’s rereading my university acceptance letter alone in the bathroom, or waiting weeks to use my first credit card because I was certain they made an error. When shatters my expectations. My first response is to cringe until I’m sure it’s not an attack. The way I respond when I experience the many whens is one of the frequent subject of my prayers. And I’m getting better. Today is when I can write about my struggles with when.

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Every Friday,100s of bloggers set a timer, write for 5 minutes, and then publish the results. We don’t edit or engulf ourselves in concerns about whether our writing is worthy to be seen. We expose our incomplete, unpolished thoughts and words to each other and our readers. Kate Motaung’s, at  Heading Home, provides the prompt on Thursday evening. We all link our posts there and tweet them with the hashtag #FMFParty. Join us.

Comments

  1. Visiting you from FMF. I appreciate your honesty, the picture into your private thought process. I’m glad you are getting better. I also imagine that your friends aren’t looking at you through a lens of judgement, but one of love and compassion. Blessings to you.

    1. You’re absolutely right. They do look at me with love and compassion. And so I must wait for their love and compassion to seep into me so I can thank them. Healing continues a bit at a time.

      Thanks so much for visiting.

  2. I feel as though I could have written these words. I understand that warm water on cold fingers sensation… and never have I been able to describe it like that. I don’t know what else to say other than you are not alone.

  3. I love this, Drusilla: “I may not write a thank you note today. But it will come when your love gets down inside me and the words come to my fingers.” I get this delayed response, and you’ve conveyed the idea of “when” in a thought-provoking way.

    I was a little stunned wandering over to your place here, to see that you have a story to tell that is not one I’ve heard often in these spaces. Without even knowing the details, I felt I was ‘standing’ here on sacred ground.

    Thank you, too, for visiting my place and leaving your words of grace.

  4. Wow… I don’t know your story (I’ll be reading your site)…but your words reflect a girl I know that I happen to see in the mirror when I am courageous enough to steal a glance. There’s healing to be obtained- I can testify to that but sometimes it’s hard to look back and remember. I’m thankful I clicked on your page. Maybe we can chat sometime.

    1. Welcome, Shannon. Thanks for your comment. Yes, there is healing but we often don’t know what it will look like and ultimate healing is not for this world. Though I have found more healing than I ever imagined, healing continues.

      Please feel free to email me through my contact form. And please do come again.

Tell me what you think. Thanks.

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